Friday, 13 December 2013

a first.

Today was tough. We've been indoctrinated into a special club-- first ER visit as parents. Thankfully Dani Lu is okay, she has quite the shiner after her fall but nothing major was wrong. My baby. What a helpless, sickening feeling watching

There are beautiful days when I'm able to laugh and find joy in all those little moments that are dear to me...Mila goofing off at the table, Dani wanting to be held close, whole shelves being emptied on an hourly basis, books and babies scattered everywhere. And then there are days where I feel weighted down by it all, overwhelmed with things I want to do for the girls, feeling torn by the girls' different needs and not having the time to meet them all. Frustrated by different circumstances in our life and feeling like that's limiting us. During the rare 1:1 moments I feel guilty that I'm not with the other and vice versa. I know I only have two. And they're two AMAZING, relatively easygoing (well, Mila's a threenager but most of the time I can talk her down from the ledge) girls. And there are people with so many more, so much more on their plate and tougher circumstances. How do they do it? I keep wondering when things will get easier. I know they are, and there are moments --a lot of moments-- when I think we've arrived, when I can take a breath and not feel like the other shoe is going to drop. But then there are moments when I'm taking a trillion deep breaths, when I'm sighing inwardly, just so tired and a lot of anxiety doing a number on me. I know the new house has a lot to do with it and am confident that Dani and Mila are on their way to becoming the best of friends. It's comforting to think that in a years' time everything will be that much easier. Dani will be starting to talk and we'll have painted walls, some new furniture, photos and art will be up on the walls and it'll feel like home. And the girls will still make their little messes and Mila will still fight me to clean up. And that's okay. I'm not looking for perfect. I'm just trying to find joy in it all. I know it starts with me.

Anyways. Just trying to keep this space an honest reflection of life these days. Sometimes it's great. Then it's not. Then it's great again. Then it's not. The good with the bad, that sort of thing. One day at a time while still trying to keep the big picture clear in my mind.

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