Mother's Day

I still remember where I was the first time someone said happy mother's day to me, and yes it felt weird. I was about six (almost seven?) months pregnant with Mila, was tagging along with my parents as they went to Lowe's before we headed out to dinner, and a very cheery sales associate said it to Marmousch. Then she turned to me smiling, "And to you, too!" Whoa. Like I said, weird. Obviously I felt very pregnant already and had been getting the 'when are you due' comments already from people I didn't know--but to acknowledge me as a mother, THAT was something else entirely. It was like a fist bump welcoming me into an honorary tribe.

Motherhood is so huge, it's so weighty. It transcends boundaries and generations and cultural differences. It's complex yet simple, paradox after paradox. It's the quiet moments that don't get instagrammed, the middle of the night loneliness and worries. It's rubbing their back as they're throwing up into the toilet. It's having your heart in your throat as you watch your daughter interact with another child on the playground; not wanting to helicopter, but wanting so much to let them know I'm here! I'm here! I'm here whenever you need me!, an over-spirited cheerleader.  It's changing the course of your planned productive afternoon when you realize you're going to be holding a clingy little one for every single task. It's ordinary one minute and magical the next. Sticky fingers, spontaneous hugs, multiplying crumbs, open-mouth kisses, emptied drawers, clothes strewn about, wasted bandaids, calico critters found in your makeup drawer, spill after spill after spill. The worrying and the second-guessing. My God the second-guessing. Worrying you're not good enough. Worrying you're trying to squeeze too many things in one day. Worrying you're not doing enough in a day.  Motherhood often exhilarates me. Equally often it exhausts me. But I know with complete certainty that this is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. Raising these girls, being their best buddy, trying to teach by example (all the while they're the ones teaching me); I love it so much. These two little people who collectively weigh less than 50 pounds make me a better person. I feel so lucky, so privileged to be theirs. In many ways I was born on August 29th, 2010-the day Mila was born, and another part of me was born again on November 9th, 2012 with Dani's birth.

And maybe a huge part of why I love mothering so much is because I won the lottery with my own mama. She has been led by faith, selflessness, and love every single day of my life. She loves my babies as her own and I lean on her heavily for support. She has always been there for me, never with judgment, always with love and compassion. I am so grateful to have her nearby, something she never had with my grandparents living in Italy, and I can't imagine how heartachingly difficult that must have been for her (and for nonna!). Mila and Dani have a special bond with Marmousch that is so beautiful to watch.

Sunday was lovely and sweet for me, and I hope it was for Marmousch too who spent the day with us. Breakfast in bed. Steve, who lately has been zonked in the mornings because of strong, strong pain medications,  purposely didn't take anything the night before so that he'd be able to wake up at six to surprise me with breakfast in bed. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes, the sacrifice it must have been. There was also a very appreciated nap, homemade macarons, muffins, bagels, mimosas. Marmee must've gotten up on a freaking ladder to pick magnolias off her tree for me after I commented how much I love them. I got her a cactus garden and she got me...a cactus garden! Like I said, my mother and I...well, I hope my adult relationship with Mila and Dani is just as powerful.

Happy (belated) Mother's Day. And try not to be too hard on yourselves, even though I know it's part of the job description ;) We're all doing an amazing job.

right now

I mentioned in the last post that Steve has shingles. It was definitely a fluke thing, him getting it. He's home with us until he's totally in the clear; we're going on week five. Important side note: shingles sucks. There was a long(ish) period in March where he didn't work, and now this is even longer. Wish the circumstances were different but . So I'll become a card-carrying member of the early crew while Steve tries to recoup a little sleep. Right now we make pancakes with berries swimming in maple syrup. Dani almost always gets a little cupful of yogurt and it mostly ends up all matted and crunchy in her curls, since she hasn't allowed herself to be fed since she was 11 months old and insists on doing it herself. I love her independent streak. Right now we're heading into summer and are already going to the beach a few times a week. Towels and our beach blanket are permanently in the trunk, ready to go; sunscreen, ready to go. Cornstarch, ready to go. (cornstarch after a day at the beach. takes away all the sand. MAGIC.) A gallon ziplock bag filled with watermelon wedges and every time I look up it seems like Mila's devouring one, eating it down to the rind. Right now, our other go-to snack is apple slices with a little almond butter and teensy bit of maple syrup drizzled on top. And Himalayan sea salt (it's pink, so it's a hit). Not a good snack for the beach, FYI. I know I'm getting long-winded here.

Today I played "the straining game" (don't ask!) with one and held on tight to another as ocean water ebbed and flowed at our ankles. I remind myself that I am just where I need to be. There are a million little projects I want to get done for our home within the next month, but I need to wait until my partner in crime is more able-bodied. I mind in some moments, and then there are others when we put a record on and I spin around with Dani on my hip, share a giggly look with Mila, and watch Steve do his thing on the dance floor in our living room. It's more than okay.

At the end of 2014 I'll reflect on this past year and already like to think I'll see April and May as our resting, recuperating, calming and quiet time. Marred by shingles, yes, but not completely eclipsed by it. Soon summer will fully hit, and we'll be off, one adventure maybe two, trying to soak in all the sun and swim, bubbles and ice cream. Then fall will start and with it my firstborn will start preschool. I think. I'm still wrapping my head around the idea of Mila, my baby, this girl whom I know inside and outside, being in a school setting. Or to get to the heart of my anxiety, being away from me. If motherhood is all about your heart walking outside of your body, like that famous quote says, then my heart feels like it's gearing up for a marathon. I know preschool is just the beginning. But it's an awfully big beginning.

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bits of Easter

matching skirts for the girls
watching Dani totally hone in on eggs. She got it. not even 1 1/2 years old! I was impressed.
Easter vigil. thank goodness for cry rooms where Dani is boss and there are new books to read.
warthogs and raccoons and armadillos and God only knows what else getting to most of the cascarones and a lot of the plastic eggs.
oh and ants.
Marmee's bunny paw prints. Marmee is THE original pinterest.
Mila picking up on the song THEY CALL ME JANE...THAT'S NOT MY NAME THAT'S NOT MY NAME THAT'S NOT MY NAME which she heard at the egg hunt booming out their booty music. Thanks Indian River County recreation department.
Dani danced to WANT YOU TAKE ME TO...FUNKYTOOOOOOWN. okay now that was cute.
my annual rant on the absence of egg hunts. there are only egg grabs where they toss a gajillion eggs on the lawn and you trample one another to grab them. it's lovely, and there are helicopter parents all over the place. thus the instant gratification attitude of generations continue. 
we will always have an egg HUNT at our house.
lollipops where the jellybeans were planted. magic jellybeans, given to us by the Easter bunny. as the Easter bunny does.
Mila's favorite thing to find inside eggs: jellybeans!
but really. she was excited about everything. 3 1/2 oozes joy.
and tyranny.
shingles.
not the girls. 
not me. 

I think it's fair to say I'm obsessed with Scrubby.

I know this pic is blurry but in it I see a glimpse of teenage Mila. And for that, it stays.

chewing on our lip, like mother like daughter

this was pre church for the Saturday Easter vigil

Steve is having a rough 2014. I'm sorry, husband. 
nibbled carrots and egg shells. proof that the bunny came.
one glove. OJ? MJ? no it's Steve.
new fairy wings.
paper flowers. it's becoming tradition.
actually they were made from cornhusks. not sure if I'll be working with that medium again. 
I just used the word 'medium' in a sentence about me. how obnoxious?! blargh.
too late to bloom wheatgrass. yarn grass instead.
chocolate bunnies. duh.
but Steve pointed out that they were hollow. because i guess we all need more chocolate?
pavlova. it's becoming tradition.
deviled eggs. duh.
Easter baskets containing new bathing suits (deeply established tradition) and saltwaters. summer!
Wal-mart sells cascarones now. they're cheeeeeeaaaap. I might've just blown out my last egg.
probably not. next year I'm resurrecting the egg tree again.
I stockpiled those cascarones as if the apocalypse was coming and we'd be switching over to cascarones currency. In that case we're all set guys. 
Dani's first official egg hunt was a cascarones egg hunt. right on, Dani Lu. 

not an Easter we'll soon forget, mostly because of poor Steve's shingles. Oof. We're still in the thick of it. It wasn't lost on us, though, that it was our first here in this house and therefore pretty special. These 3 acres are gonna see some spectacular hunts during the Weibel era. I just gots a feeling.

Happy Easter!

Thought I'd share. The Easter Bunny definitely wasn't our forte last week but he gained a lot more popularity with my crew this morning!

Happy Easter everyone, it is and always will be a day full of hope. As it should be. 

earthquakes

Since this afternoon my heart has been a jumbled mess as I've seen one of my dearest friends experience every parent's worst nightmare. Her wonderful son, Mila's age almost exactly, has been in the hospital very unexpectedly and they've been facing some horrific uncertainties. Thankfully, very very thankfully our deepest fears aren't coming to fruition and although he's not out of the woods yet, they are getting some answers and they are hopeful. I am thankful, relieved, and likely will be crying again soon. Isn't it scary, isn't it all so fragile--in an instant your entire landscape can shift so dramatically.

Maybe soon I'll post about our fun little Easter egg hunts we've been doing with the girls, and our new gardening adventures, or plans for fairy houses, or all the fun we had last month. March was good to us. Shoot, April's been good to us. But for now I'm just holding these people I love the most in this world a little tighter today, saying yes a lot more, and appreciating things that often get taken for granted.