A labor prayer.

I saw this print and it reminded me very much of my first pregnancy, when Mila (though I did not know Mila was a Mila) was big in my belly and Steve and I thought we would take a very romantic trip to St. John. We snorkeled and were lazy on the beach and kissed in the water in the middle of surprise downpours. Trust. Such a powerful image and an even more powerful memory of mine. I have no idea if the deliberate steps I've taken to lead me to a successful VBAC will indeed result in one. I hope it does and every day I can picture it, and Steve always ends his relaxation talks with me telling me that it's going to happen. Ultimately though, I have to surrender to the path that this baby and this birth is going to take. Mila taught me a lot about surrendering even before she took her first breath --as I was being wheeled to the OR and Steve was being prepped to witness the birth of our daughter via C-section. But we're never done learning, right? I'm sure this baby has a few lessons to teach me. In fact, I want him or her to.

Take the past few days. Group B strep. Check. Starting hypoglycemic medication. Check--unable to avoid this any longer. Already hearing the dreaded induction word. Twice a week non-stress tests now. Check and check. Mila laying so sweetly in my arms after a nap and suddenly throwing up everywhere...okay, so that has nothing to do with our impending birth but it was still humbling. And did I mention Steve and I are both sick and hack our way through the night with coughing fits? 

Surrender. 
Trust. 

It's not how I envisioned my pregnancy to be winding down, but it's still my miracle.

So with that, here's a labor prayer. I had read it while pregnant with Mila ever since it came in my home birth kit and thought it was beautifully perfect. I'm reading it now but have omitted the words 'at home' on one part since that's not in the cards this time. And that's okay. I know it will be. 

Dear Father, 
thank You for this new baby. 
Would you protect and nurture this baby
and bring this pregnancy to full term. 
In labor, 
would you remove all fear
and replace it with faith and expectation. 
Please give those attending the birth
wisdom to take the best care of mother and baby.
Please let this child be born normal and whole,
healthy and strong, 
with no complications with baby or mother. 
Father, thank You for hearing my prayer,
for I pray in the name of Him who is called
Wonderful, 
Counselor, 
The Mighty God, 
The Everlasting Father, 
The Prince of Peace. 
Amen. 
                by Donna Wilson

35 Weeks.

Tomorrow brings another doctor appointment--they're weekly now--an ultrasound. Me see baby in Mama beyee! Mila said as I was tucking her in tonight. Usually we just hear the heartbeat on the doppler, and Wugs is very wide-eyed, eager, and helpful by handing the ultrasound gel over to our doctor at exactly the right time. She's been to all our appointments, and some have gone great while others have left us gritting our teeth and clawing at the walls to get out of there. I can't help but compare the difference in prenatal care between having a midwife and having an OB practice following you. We didn't know how good we had it; our midwife would come to us 90% of the time, in which I was typically barefoot in yoga pants and a tank top, I didn't have to outsource labwork since she would just do her own blood draws, and we'd listen to the whooshwhooshwhoosh of baby Mila's heartbeat while lying on our comfy bed. But this is a different pregnancy and going the more medical route was a decision we both agreed would be best this time (although I'll still be the crazy lady in room 5 questioning everything and refusing most. Ha!). 

There's lots more that I want to say but as it's 2 am I think it would quickly turn into a ramble. My fears about leaving behind this warm little cocoon we've built just us three by giving Mila a sibling. Some amazing advice I've gotten these last couple weeks that I would love to share. A labor prayer. But since my eyelids are getting  heavy I'll just say that it's an exciting time, no less exciting than when I did this a couple years ago. I know what's coming so the stakes are that much higher. Baby time is almost here.

More pictures from the punkin patch.

These are the kind of moments for which you don't get a second chance. Yesterday, we savored them. 

Punkins!

We set off in search of punkins today. Me with my skinny vanilla latte (which say, aren't half bad!), Steve in his wool socks, and Wugs, well Wugs miraculously agreed to leave her purple rubber frog and the remote control to a toy car in our actual car.

Wugs found two punkins right off the bat. The girl knows what she wants! A green curvy gourd and a unique orange and green stripey one. Then once we had loaded them onto our wagon, those two punkins had to come out at each and every stop. At the teepee, at the spot where Steve found the granddaddy punkin, tossed onto a random couch (couches in teepees! Yes! Did I mention this was the hottest day of the year for northern California?), onto haystacks where we stopped to again rest. Punkin picking is intense, guys.

Did I mention it was hot out? And why was my husband wearing wool socks?

In the end, though, we wagoned out of there with a good loot of nine. And only one of us got sunburned--not the little person wearing moccasins, thankfully. 

How I love our punkin patch tradition.

 (Here's Mila's first and second visit.  And after seeing those, my heart has had all it can take right now.)

Antelope Canyon

I'm looking for a photograph to frame in baby's corner (a corner! Sorry kiddo. It's hard on me too, not being able to properly nest without a nursery to pretty up.) and came across our weekend trip to Antelope Canyon over five years ago now. I've been thinking about Antelope Canyon ever since Joanna linked up to this post in her weekend links. 

It's hard to forget a place like Antelope Canyon. In self-hypnosis you're supposed to visualize meaningful places that represent peace and beauty to you, and even though I've always envisioned a couple special spots in my mind, I'm suddenly drawn to our visit here. In the middle of the Arizona desert, it's a marvelous slot canyon that gets filled with warm afternoon light and shadows playing off the red rock walls. Not just red. Pink, orange, rust, and every shade in between. Then someone will throw sand up into the air and if you're lucky, your camera's viewfinder will reflect back these beams of light that look like God's presence and nothing else. At least to me. It's pretty great. 

And even though it looks like it belongs nowhere but on Awkward Family Photos I had to include that last one of us two crazy kids. Who knew. Livin' the dream.

33 weeks.

My 34th week actually started today, but this picture to the right was taken last week. A sweet memory from a quick trip into the city where we ended up in one of our favorite spots discovered years ago, the Potrero Hill Community Garden (right by the crookedest street in San Francisco and no! it's not Lombard Street). As always, it felt surreal taking Wugs to a place I had known in my before life, finally having a little of my own to push on the swing and attentively spot as she makes her way up the rope ladder with her tongue sticking out. Hard at work.

Our fifth and last HypnoBirthing skype class was Monday. It was the best one and I turned off the computer excited and hopeful that this will be the key to a successful VBAC for me. We're on our own now, left to practice going into relaxation and breathing techniques daily. I won't go into a lot of detail now, will save that for my birth story, but even if labor takes a direction I don't want I'm still happy we did it. Being able to turn everything off and completely relax--I mean really relax, every muscle, every bit of tension--is something I've never been good at. I would always spend my shivasana at the end of yoga just mentally compiling grocery or to-do lists in my mind. But after nightly practicing for over a month now, I'm definitely noticing positive changes. Steve is 100% on board and supportive at every step. I feel so blessed that together we get to do this thrilling roller coaster ride of labor and birth and welcoming a new soul into the world all over again. 

Some rambling.

• My beloved Sanita clogs have lost their traction--I finally admitted that when I slipped in the middle of a Joann's Fabric and for the next hour walked around thinking I had strained my groin. I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes. Preferably with at least a little heel but casual enough that I don't feel silly taking Wugs to the park in them.
• I was pulled over by a police officer the other day and totally threw poor Wugs under the bus as the reason for my being too far into the crosswalk at a stoplight. And after he let me go with a warning Mila called me on it! There I was, attempting to explain tickets and my white lie to a 2 year-old. Shitty parenting moment. Next time I'll tell the truth.

• It's September 30th, my deadline for deciding Mila's Halloween costume. I'm pretty sure this is the last year I'm going to get away with picking it myself, so for some reason I'm feeling a lot of pressure? I thought I had decided but last night a new idea popped into my head that I like even better. It's very Wugs. 
• Wugs and I have made crockpot applesauce twice now. It's DELICIOUS, doesn't seem to affect my blood sugar as long as I have it in the afternoon/evening, and Mila loves peeling and coring the apples BY SEFF (by myself) using Marmousch's hand-crank apple peeler. Thanks Marm, we love it!
• Tomorrow I get to finally show Mila her skellyjams. I'm excited to see her literally glowing. 
• Tomorrow's also our last HypnoBirthing class and I need to finish reading all the important parts of the book in order to ask my usual million questions during the session. So with that, g'night.